Introspective Moon

As I battle off some form of elementary student illness, I decided to stay in for the night. I received many lovely calls from my peers inviting me to "porch it" on this beautiful 65 degree evening. By "porch it" I mean traveling via bike to and from various porches in the Fan district of Richmond City drinking beer. It was very tempting offer. However staying healthy is important to me and I don't think drinking excess amounts of booze will help this "illness" or expedite my ability to ride my bike. Plus my parents are vacationing in Cali, which means I have their lovely home to look after and two beautiful dogs. Just shortly after getting off the phone with a buddy, my mom's dog Sophie looked a bit unsure about my contemplating going out. I couldn't resist her puppy eyes and decided to stay home. I noticed it was a full moon and thus decided to take a walk at 10 pm to the river just a couple of acres from my parent’s back door. On the hillside I rested my head on my mom's Berner Sophie while my dog Icarus stayed attentive to any lingering critters near by. For 30 minutes I lay mezmorized by the full moon, flooding the sky, field and river with light. There were only a handful of stars in sight but I didn’t mind.
I was perfectly content. I contemplated the changes coming up in my life. Leaving the only place I've known as home. Richmond has been the longest I have ever lived somewhere and I feel very rooted here. Racing and being a lone for many weekends, not sure how I will pay for it but knowing I will suffer and learn more than I possibly could imagine. I am very excited despite my anxiety about it. I also learned a little bit more about myself tonight.

I love quiet.

I love the sound of the wind howling through the trees.

I love wide open spaces.

I want to travel.

I miss my companion.

I want to grow and not be stippled by the pressures of my peers doing the same old shit.

These past few months I have been missing something. I felt a bit depressed. However in a way I've never experienced before. I had the highest highs of the excitement of being on Niner’s Factory Team and all the doors they have opened for me. But with that I have also experienced the lowest lows.  Something has been missing. For the longest time I thought it was loneliness. Missing a lover or companion in my life, yes being single is hard but never before was it this hard. Last night I picked up the paint brush for the first time since this summer. Not in the way I pick up paintbrushes at school when I teach, but for myself. It felt so good to get lost for hours in my work. That jittery excitement yet fluidity of my thoughts came together so beautifully. I realized what was missing, my self expression. My ability to do whatever I want, no rules, no clock, no sweat, blood or tears….ok well sometimes tears but no expectations. It liberated me from my sadness and now I feel whole again. I feel silly for thinking all this time that it was a boy who had some sort of grasp on me. I’m ready to redefine myself and maybe I already have. I’m excited to learn who she is and how far she can go.

So now what you ask? 11pm on a Friday night just me, my paint and a white canvas.  Stay tuned for pics soon!